—UEFA has the foresight to hire a panel of Chinese and Romanian judges to decide the diving competition between Didier Drogba and Cristiano Ronaldo.
—Petr Cech takes the field in a full suit of Medieval armor.
—Roman Abramovich starts a money-throwing fight with the entire Glazer family and buries them alive in Euros.
—The inevitable Wayne Rooney red card.
Beyond that, I can think of nothing else. Signed—
—Bitter as a rural Pennsylvanian: