SEATTLE TO MLS! // MOGULS COLLUDE TO DEPRIVE 'SOCCER CITY' RIGHTFUL SHOT AT GODHOOD // ETERNAL HOLY WAR INTENSIFIES!

If reports like this one are to be believed, the Hated Seattle Sounders are on the verge of making the leap to Major League Soccer. (Nevermind the fact that they're also on the verge of the USL First Division championship; that's a subject too painful to delve into.) It seems that after years of begging and threatening to move to every other cowtown on Puget Sound, Seattle drummed up the sugar daddies needed to make the leap to the big circuit. (A solid fanbase? Eh, we'll get to that later. Hey, we sold out a friendly!)

This, of course, threatens to leave the Portland Timbers without their most loathed rivals, condemned to a future of "heated" games against Victoria United or Burnaby Rovers or whatever other club emerges from the BC hinterlands to claim the Sounders' place. That's despite—and I will go on record here—boasting a hardcore supporters section that's larger and louder than anything MLS has to offer, and despite consistently turning out more paying fans than Seattle. (Success on the pitch? Eh, we'll get to that later. Hey, we have bagpipes!)

Memo to MLS: Seattle. Portland. This is a match made in Hades, and one you would do well to incorporate into your showbiz plans. The rivalry between the two cities was never in danger of cooling...but now it just got a whole...LOT...HOTTTTTTER.